What is the Umpire’s exercise?

Grant Leboff: One of the things you talk about in the book which I thought was really interesting is the thing called ‘the Umpires Exercise’ and maybe you can explain that a bit more.?

Davis Hyner: Now again in neurolinguistics terms it’s called ‘perceptual positioning’. It’s where we have a judge, an umpire, someone independent. And this can be physically done with two or three people or it can be done in our heads. So if we if we are saying that you and I have got an issue, a challenge… maybe you’ve gone back on a contract – and I know you wouldn’t do that Grant – but you’ve gone back on a contract and I’m feeling really aggrieved about it. Now, we can take legal recourse, we can do all sorts of things but, the physical stress it causes us is something that we can let go of, if we can actually work with what is true. Because you have a very genuine reason for having done what you’ve done, and I’ve got a genuine reason for feeling how I feel. But if we can let go of the negative feelings and emotions and just work with what is true, frequently you find the truth somewhere in the middle between the two of us. But when we’re both from a position of we’re right, we tend not to see the truth, because we are too defensive.

I’m sure you’ve heard the adage that sometimes we’re in a discussion, we’re too busy preparing what we’re going to say when the other person shuts up rather than listening to them. So if we can imagine, in our heads, that there is an independent judge, an umpire for want of better words, who has got no emotional attachment to either of us, all they’re interested in is the truth – a bit like Judge Judy on steroids and all they’re going to do is be totally impartial, and if we, in our heads, can imagine having the conversations that we have from our position, and then a second time from the other person’s position, now this takes courage – because most people believe that they’re very open minded. But we still have to let go of who we are and see things in that conversation from the other person’s perspective. So if I would imagine becoming Grant, for just a few minutes, I would even sit how you sat in the negotiation or the conversation, I would see me sitting in this chair, sitting how I sit with my tonality facial expression and sometimes, when we do that, we see how perhaps, unintentionally, we might have said something that could have been taken entirely the wrong context or I could have misheard what your intent was.

And if that isn’t enough, then we can turn to an imaginary umpire or judge and say what’s the truth? And because instinctively, intuitively, we tend to know the truth, but our ego gets in the way of filters. We always don’t let the truth come out. Whereas if we listen to the umpire, the umpire will say; Dave you’re being a fool. Can’t you see that Grant meant that? Or actually you know what, Grant meant this or Dave, what you really should have said was this – and you can go back to the situation with a totally different perspective. That’s what’s called perceptual positioning. You see it from your perspective from the other person’s perspective and the judge’s perspective.

Grant Leboff: So obviously in that context in which you talk about it in the book, it’s about being able to let go of stress. Let go of the particular feelings which are upsetting or anything else. Have you ever seen that technique used by some of your high achievers, in negotiation, or in sales situations, or other things where you can apply that, and really start to understand something from your customer’s point of view or from a negotiating position?

Davis Hyner: In a in a business context, I’ve seen business people who will imagine themselves stepping into a pair of shoes that belongs to someone who they greatly respect with the skill set they want to acquire. And they actually physically, imagine putting on the suit of that person going into the negotiation. In sports I’ve seen people who… at one stage a lady who couldn’t lift her arm above shoulder level after a car accident, do overarm serves after pretending to step into – in her mind – into the body, using perceptual positioning, of a world tennis champion. How does that happen? All she did was challenge yourself mentally, physically, emotionally. I’ve seen people conclude, sometimes, 10 year really challenging relationships with people in their friends or family circles, where they’ve been absolutely going like that [tugging and pulling] no communication whatsoever after a really big bust up. Once they’ve seen things on the other person’s perspective, they’ve realised that actually, they need to apologise. When in fact they thought the other person was wrong. And I have seen incredible relationship issues solved just like that.

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